Honestly, I’m not a sports fan…other than my mediocre support of the Los Angeles Dodgers. I grew up listening to the voice of Vin Scully seemingly always in the background at my grandparents’ house; my grandpa being an avid Dodger fan. Then I went and married another one, sealing my fate. So, I wear my Dodger blue, support my favorite player, Max Muncy, enjoy going to games with my guy, and even decorated our “bonus room” with the memorabilia we have collected over the years. But a sports fan I am not.
However, when contemplating what I wanted to call my blog, considering the place I am in life and the topics that inspire me to write, it all surrounded the fact that I am an almost fifty-year old woman, new empty nester, who has recently moved away from everything familiar and comforting in my life. What could I title my blog that would wrap all of that up in a neat little metaphorical package? Here’s how my brain walked through that question…
Our first quarter? Childhood. Depending on how that chunk of life goes will inevitably determine how the remaining quarters roll out. Second quarter? The building portion of adulthood. This is where we build our values, build our marriage and family (if that’s the way our story goes), and build our career, financial situation, and the ever important “tribe” that is so necessary to survive this crazy life. I’d say this is anywhere between 21 – 45 years or so. The fourth quarter? Those are our sunset years. Hopefully, if we’ve taken care of ourselves, it isn’t a time filled with too much illness or disease. But simply moving slowly, soaking in the growing grandkids – or maybe even great grandkids, depending on when you started building that family of yours. It’s a time to reflect on the years…pass on stories, wisdom, love, and laughter. It’s that “rocking chair on the front porch” time until we finally pass on to whatever it is that comes next.
But that third quarter? Let me tell you what…it’s not for the weak! Your youth is gone – physically, anyway. Things are starting to droop a bit. We make these odd grunting noises when we try to get up from pretty much anywhere near the ground. Suddenly medical appointments get more frequent and early bedtimes start creeping in. Right about now, though, I’m going to get more personal. Yes, things are dropping. Did you know that our knees get wrinkled? What’s that all about??? I’ve got the aches and pains. And I now have to wear glasses 24/7. But those things I can handle. I had no clue what was coming…what would actually knock me flat on my ass.
Throughout my blog posts you’ll learn the details of my life that I know many of my readers will be able to relate to. For now, though, I’m sticking to the most current events. My husband has been an onion farmer since we were newly married and expecting our first child – 1993. It wasn’t the kind of farming where we lived in the adorable house with the wrap around porch, milked cows, cut grain, and ate dinner together each night. No, it was what I was introduced to as “Fruit Tramping”. My husband, Scott took a job in his multi-generational family farming business. His great-grandfather passed it to his grandfather, who passed it to his uncle. They had to travel to get to the onions. They were hired by the grower to harvest and pack the crop, getting it ready for market. There were two locations each year that they traveled to and stayed throughout the week – Lancaster, California and Calipatria, California – a little over three months at each location. This meant Scott was gone for 7 months a year. This did NOT mean that the five remaining months he was able to make up for lost time. Scott worked for someone who felt that if the boss was working, everyone was working. Family was not necessarily a priority to him. Because this was our lifestyle the entire time we were raising children (25 years to be exact), the kids and I were often on our own. I homeschooled them for 18 years through a group in our town, led by our pastor’s wife who also happened to be my mentor and close friend. Most of the families in this group belonged to our church as well, so we had built an excellent situation in which to raise our kids. My world became my son and two daughters. In an attempt to be a “healthy, well-balanced mother”, I also jumped head first into ministry at our church – our second home and where I found that “tribe” I spoke of earlier. I got involved in mission work in Kenya, got certified to teach Jazzercise, Pilates, and earned my certification in Nutrition Counseling leading me to start my own little business. That backstory was important because it will help clarify why my third quarter has been so difficult.
In 2016, we lost our church…long story, but it wasn’t pretty and left me with zero desire to ever step foot into another one as long as I live. The explosion of our church family caused nearly every one of my friends to move out of state. We were all devastated and needed a fresh start. Also in 2016, I was diagnosed with two autoimmune conditions making it impossible for me teach Jazzercise anymore. I absolutely LOVED doing that, and was pretty damn good at it. That loss hurt, too. No more traveling to Kenya either since my immune system was busted. Next up? My husband left the family business which he had been deeply dedicated to for our entire marriage. This company was our retirement, our security, our future. The circumstances behind his leaving were difficult, but inevitable. This change was unforeseen, turned our livelihood upside down, and led to a spiral of fear, confusion, and a total lack of direction. Scott had been built up to run that company…then 25 years later, after his youth had been invested in the business, it was gone. My incredibly hard working husband now had no clue what his career would look like. He found himself in his mid forties with a very specific skill set and no clue who could utilize it. It was terrifying for him. And, as anyone who is married understands, when your spouse hurts, you hurt. I didn’t know how to help him. I didn’t know how to ease his fear. It was a bad season.
We decided a move was needed; a fresh start of our own. We packed up our home of nearly 14 years, where we raised our kids, where our families all lived (seriously…all of our parents lived on the same street and our church was a 30 second drive away) and found a transitional home about 20 minutes away.
We were in that house for three years. During those three years, our son got married, our oldest daughter moved out into her own place, and the baby started college locally, still living at home. And Scott? He took a job at the Lancaster location he used to work at with the family company. It was now under new ownership and he would be there year round, participating in the entire farming process. This meant we would be apart all week, every week. After a year of living apart, we decided it just wasn’t conducive to a healthy marriage. We needed to make another change.
Neither of us had any desire to move to Lancaster, even though it would be the most convenient. Instead we compromised and settled for a tiny mountain community in the San Gabriel Mountains, about an hour from his work base and a little more than an hour from my family, friends, doctors, my whole life, really. Our youngest still lived with us, so she came along too. But, the little lizard that she is, couldn’t deal with the cold weather. Two months after we moved in, we were packing her up and moving her back down the hill. This is when everything crumbled for me.
That last bird flew out of the nest. My mom and sisters were too far to just pop over and visit. My friends were all too far to grab a quick coffee. It was a big production to see anyone. Traffic on Interstate 15 had to be considered. Jazzercise was gone. Kenya was gone. My community was gone. I didn’t know my way to the grocery store. I needed my GPS to find Target. Everything was foreign. And I was alone all day; alone and with no purpose. I could stay in bed all day and nobody would know. It got really dark in my head, for a really long time. And to be honest, I’m just now dragging myself out of it.
This third quarter has kicked my ass. As I sit and process all of it, I find it hard to believe that I’m the only one who feels this way. And so, my blog is born. To anyone who is staggering their way through their third quarter, join me. You aren’t alone. I believe with everything in me that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. And my goal is to reach that light well before I hit quarter #4. Because I refuse to let this time in my life be wasted. Let’s walk through this tunnel together and arrive at the fourth quarter smothered in joy, satisfaction, and so much wisdom we’ll be unable to contain it.
Kim Smith is a Certified Integrative Health Coach who lives in the San Gabriel Mountains with her husband of nearly 30 years. She offers health, nutrition, and weight loss coaching, as well as stress management training, and support for autoimmune disease and chronic illness patients. She is in the process of releasing her signature online course, “RESET Your Life”, due to launch in November of 2021.
For more information on the programs she offers, visit her website at http://www.resetihs.com
You can also contact her at (951) 634-1100 or email at kim@resetihs.com
The Third Quarter 